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Harvard Admits More Lobsters Than Asian Americans, Investigation Reveals

The Crustacean: Asian ratio is 5:1 this school year.

CAMBRIDGE, MA – An ongoing investigation against Harvard University has revealed that the university admits more lobsters than Asian Americans.

As of the “College Beach Bash” last Sunday, 6500 lobsters had been admitted to Harvard College, thanks to extensive efforts to recruit applicants from underrepresented regions like Cape Cod. Contrast this to the mere 1,300 Asian American undergraduates at the College – a roughly 5:1 ratio of crustaceans to Asian Americans.

Admissions documents disclosed during the investigation reveals that, on average, lobster applicants were rated higher than Asian Americans on "taste", "butteriness", and “mercury level.”

Several students seemed upset by this finding. “It doesn’t seem fair to promote one race/crustacean to such an extent while discriminating against another race/crustacean,” commented to one student who attended the lobster celebration. 

“- Also, I’m allergic to shellfish and I think my throat is closing, could you please call me an ambulance!?” 

Harvard has justified its current demographics by emphasizing the importance of affirmative action. “For centuries, lobsters have been denied the opportunity to be confusedly ripped apart by first-years and have their guts blown all over Widener Steps,” said President Larry Bacow in a recent statement, vowing to right Harvard's historical wrongs.

He also commented on diversity. "We here at Harvard usually strive to create a melting pot of students," he explained. "But why have a just melting pot when you could have a lobster pot? Welcome to New England." 

At press time, ten freshmen dropped out of Economics 10 due to inability to afford the Macroconomics textbook.

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