and entering

Harvard Admits Record-Low Zero Percent

In response to the
economic downturn and the corresponding decrease in the Harvard
endowment, the Harvard Faculty of Arts and Sciences has decided to
phase out education. All 28,675 applicants for the Harvard Class of
2013 have summarily been rejected. Harvard will however continue in
the more profitable businesses of prostitution, drug dealing, and

The Dean of the Faculty of
Arts and Sciences, Michael D. Smith, admits, "I'm really
disappointed that Harvard will have to stop with its teaching
division. If one looks at the history of Harvard, though, teaching
has never really been a priority. Have any Harvard professors won a
Nobel Prize, a Fields Medal, or an Emmy for teaching?" He continues,
"We were originally thinking about sending rejection letters
even to those who didn't apply, but we were unhappy about how
much pain would be caused by the unnecessary, unexpected, and
ungreen waste of paper."

Current Harvard
students have expressed mixed sentiments. Falze McDonald, a member
of the Harvard football team, informally known as The Squad, assures,
"Academics have always been very important to me, but sometimes
decisions just have to be made. I have made many decisions in my
life, and I think it is very important that people in power make
decisions." When told that Harvard will be cutting football
funds, Mr. McDonald, however, was indignant. "This is fucking
ridiculous! Fuck this! I am unhappy."

"I can't
believe that I've been rejected from Harvard," sighs Ching Chang Chen, who was admitted to Yale, Princeton, MIT, and
Brooklyn College. "I had perfect SAT scores, got 5s
on every AP exam I took, and was 1st chair in the New York
State All-State Symphonic Orchestra, which was the best band in the
entire state. On top of all that, I have tirelessly spent my life fighting
harmful Asian stereotypes."

Most of all, Harvard
hopes that the funds saved will be used for good purposes. Harvard
President Drew Faust states, "It is very important that women
throughout the world rebel against male domination. This is all I
think about all day long. I am just that one-dimensional."

© 2009