and entering

Harvard Freshmen Play Dead, Plead Amnesty

Several of the students claimed to have "hit the wrong line on the DAPA cup."

Earlier this weekend, six freshman collapsed to the ground and played dead as a dorm party in Canaday was broken up by a proctor, in an attempt to avoid disciplinary measures.

“It was a very frightening scene,” told the Proctor. “The second I opened the door I saw wasted valedictorian medals, worthless alumni donations, and broken legacies flash across a dozen petrified faces, and the next thing I knew half of them slammed onto the floor in a flash mob of sudden heart attacks and unexpected death.”

The scene reportedly only got worse from there. After several awkward, motionless minutes on the floor, the “dead” freshman began to stir, and all started to claim that they were in desperate need of HUHS attention.

“When I told them I knew they were faking, they began crawling towards me. Some of them started crying, others began clinging onto my legs and begging.”

“I had two whole beers,” one freshman cried before forcing himself into a convincing fit of vomiting.

Abuse of the College's amnesty policy has been a recurring issue this semester, with many members of the Harvard faculty questioning whether the policy is doing more harm than good. Among those few still in favor of amnesty was Dean of Freshmen Thomas Dingman, who, when asked for his opinion on the issue, flashed a million dollar smile and said, “Rock on.”

At press time, President Faust was reportedly investigating rumors that Dean Dingman was one of those playing dead at the Canaday party.

© 2013