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Harvard to Mail Urine Collection Kits So Students Can Pee on John Harvard From Home

John Harvard statue
Your favorite tradition, from the comfort of your own home!

CAMBRIDGE, MA - In an effort to bring students together by adapting beloved traditions to the pandemic, Dean Rakesh Khurana has confirmed plans to mail out urine collection kits to allow students to pee on the John Harvard statue from home.

“In these unprecedented times, it is crucial that students feel a connection to campus,” said Khurana.  “And how better than by making sure those students know their pee is on it? 

"Plus, we can test them for drugs.”
The College’s first-ever Virtual Pee will take place over Zoom at a time calculated to be inconvenient to anyone who isn’t on the East Coast. Invitations were sent out to the student body by Dean of Students Katie O'Dair, who expressed surprise at the low number of people who RSVP’d (or, as the email put it, RSV-Pee'd). “This is one of the great traditions,” said O'Dair, “and it’s sad that students don’t seem to want to participate.  We’re not really sure why. People love getting stuff in the mail – that’s the cornerstone of our strategy to keep some sort of Harvard community going – and this is definitely stuff." 
The lack of interest from students raises questions about the University's future plans for community engagement, which include shipping a shelf from Widener Stacks to anyone quarantining with a partner. 
When asked if the janitorial staff handling the urine samples would receive PPE, Khurana reminded reporters that tourists travel thousands of miles to touch John Harvard's urine-soaked foot for good luck, and so the staff should really be thanking him.
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