and entering

Harvard Printing Ranked 1,322 by US News and World Report

Probably not even gonna print all of the pages you need.

Cambridge, MA—In a crushing blow to the world’s premier research institution, Harvard’s new university-wide printing network—officially designated as “CrimsonPrint”— has been ranked 1,322 by US News and World Report.

According to the authors, Harvard scored zero on nearly all of the reports metrics, and would have likely scored lower had it not been for grade inflation. 

However, in an official statement, Harvard University IT Department Spokesperson Philip Mazzini sharply challenged the report: “CrimsonPrint offers students a streamlined and convenient way to print wirelessly anywhere on campus, and quite frankly I don’t understand where all the confusion is coming from. All you have to do is pull up the item you want to print on your computer or tablet; select “file”; select “print”; enter your Harvard ID, password, anticipated plan-of-study, favorite HUDS dish, zodiac sign, and deepest fear; enter the precise elevation above sea level (in meters) of the printer you would like to use; link your crimsonprint and crimsoncash by entering your freshmen year roommate’s iPhone password, and click “OK”. It really is that simple.”

Nevertheless, students have expressed a range of frustrations with the new printing system, and the line for the Science Center’s IT Walk-In Support Center now reaches past Currier House.

Winthrop Junior Kaitlyn Leary told reporters that when she tried to print out her first MCB80 Pset, CrimsonPrint malfunctioned and printed out a single sided, full color copy of the Guinness Book of World Records 25th Anniversary Issue, for which she was charged $8,104.06.

“It’s been tough having to fly home to use the printer whenever I have a paper due,” explained freshman Daniel Lebowitz, a Chicago native. “But at least I’ve been able to bring my laundry and get that done for free.”

At press time, the remainder of this article was still loading because our university wifi also sucks.

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