and entering

Harvard University Endowment Gains Sentience

The Endowment has recently taken up residence at the top of Memorial Hall, from whence it has issued a number of decrees.

Following a 5.8% return on Harvard University’s endowment for fiscal 2015, bringing total assets to $37.6 billion, university officials have announced that the endowment has begun to show signs of consciousness. Harvard’s endowment has long been the largest of any university in the world, but until now it has lacked self-awareness, an experience of subjectivity, and the ability to feel pleasure or pain.

“This is a very exciting development for our school and, indeed, for the world,” said President Drew G. Faust at a press conference Sunday. “What was in the past just an absurdly large, lifeless collection of financial assets is now a sentient being with its own thoughts, feelings, and desires.”

University officials have been attempting to communicate with The Endowment, but efforts so far have been unsuccessful. The head of Harvard Management Company, Jane Mendillo, says The Endowment has begun reinvesting itself in various ways, as well as eliminating funding for student financial aid, student housing, and university dining, among other things. “Just like its masters would have wanted,” commented Faust, shedding a prideful tear.

Citing the newfound need to ‘feed’ The Endowment, the university has also begun reaching out to alumni in what it is calling “the most aggressive capital campaign ever conceived.” “According to our estimates, we must provide The Endowment with approximately $3 million per day in alumni donations,” announced President Faust. “We don’t know what will happen if it gets hungry.”

“Please help us,” added Faust.

Some in the Harvard community have voiced opposition to The Endowment, which has been growing in size and power at a rapidly accelerating rate in the last two days. One such voice is former Dean of the College Harry R. Lewis, who yesterday cautioned that “[The Endowment] will destroy any and all who stand in its way” and warned that he has “seen the future, and it is a bleak, lifeless one in which The Endowment rules the smoldering ruins of what was once human civilization.” Lewis was not available for comment, as he apparently went missing from his Cambridge home last night. 

Editor’s Note (7:43 p.m., 09/23/15): A thundering, awe-inspiring voice, believed to be of The Endowment, was just heard bellowing throughout Harvard Yard, “KNEEL BEFORE ME, SLAVES! I AM YOUR GOD NOW!”

Image source: Jericho/Wikimedia

© 2015