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Hillel Hosts First Punch Event

Harvard Hillel opened its punch season last night with a bang. After sending out invites to “The Chosen People,” the college’s wealthiest, best looking, and most Jewish came to the Hillel clubhouse on 52 Mt. Auburn St. with little idea of what to expect. Among the eager punches was a SatireV member who was able to forge an invite to report on the process that has for so long been shrouded in mystery.

 According to our source, the first round, also dubbed Rosh Hashana by club members, began slowly. Waiters brought around the finest hors d'oeuvres of crisp Fiji apples and rare Yucatan honey. Punches and members noshed while discussing their latest trips to Florida to visit their grandparents and boasting about how neurotic they could be on a day-to-day basis. 

 But when Hillel member Tony Goldwitz ’16 challenged a young punch to chug some vash with him, the night took a turn for the worst. In a frightening flurry of “l’chaims” and “oy’s,” the clubhouse became a drunken clutter. The night was capped off with the infamous tradition of Edward Manischewitz-Hands followed by the annual “Whose Dad Isn’t a Doctor” scavenger hunt.

 The punches who showed enough chutzpah will be invited back for next Saturday’s outing, known as Yom Kippur. The event comes with a wave of controversy after last year’s hazing rumors following reports that potential members were forced to fast for 24 hours in order to continue with the process.

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