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Humanities-Scorning Physics Concentrator Crumples at 250-Word Response Paper

a man is typing
250 words will be the death of Jack Garver '21!

CAMBRIDGE, MA — Previously quoted as calling the Humanities “child’s play”, Physics concentrator Jack Garver ’21 seems to have met his match in a 1-page response paper for his Aesthetics & Culture Gen Ed course.

Pausing from deriding the simplicity of the liberal arts, Garver whined, “This is so unreasonable! I can’t see how they can expect 250 words from us. They didn’t even tell us what to write about! Aren’t Gen Eds supposed to be easy?” 

Garver’s Teaching Fellow, Andrea Jackson, PhD Candidate in Comparative Literature, was shocked and visibly concerned to hear of his extreme difficulty. “This is meant to be an easy way to boost their participate grades,” she said, incredulous. “But then again, it sounds like Jack has a lot on his plate at the moment. Earlier in class when another student mentioned she had a lot of work to do, Jack couldn’t help but launch into a tirade about his 78 labs and 355 midterms, which was strange because the other students have at least as many discussion sections and midterm papers.” 

Garver’s classmate, Chris Carpenter ’20, corroborated. “Yeah, Jack must be pretty stressed about the response paper. When Andrea assigned it, he started screaming about the obsolescence of writing and accused all the other students of being unemployable. He had trouble saying the words ‘obsolete’ and ‘unemployable’ though, so we had to fill in those words for him.

At press time, a visibly self-satisfied Garver was sighted typing the name "Kant" before letting out a sigh of relief.