Officer dispatched to a report of existential angst. Subject had come to terms with own mortality upon arrival.

 

Officers alerted to an "old hag" shouting obscenities and disturbing students in Harvard Yard. Arrived promptly and apprehended the woman, one Drew Faust who claimed she was the president of the whole university - can you believe that? Officers currently keeping an eye on her.

 

Officers took a report of man stealing hamburgers. Subject claims he was hired by fast food company to steal the burgers. Story checks out.

 

Officers dispatched to pizza party, just for a quick snack. Pizza was mediocre. Officers displeased.

 

Officer alerted to potential theft. Upon arrival subject turned out to be officer's girlfriend, who had reported a stolen heart. Officer and subject now engaged to be wed. Several officers witnessed. Was cute.

 

Officers dispatched to collect body after area white girl claimed to be  “[OMG] DEAD!” Supposed victim appeared awake and alert. Officers confused.

 

Officer dispatched to report of wardrobe with portal that leads to fantasty world of untold treasure. Officer currently MIA. 

 

Officers alerted to "unending, distant scream" in Dunster dining hall. Upon arrival officers determined it was souls of CS 124 students leaving their bodies.