and entering

I’m Sick (of You)

I wouldn't stay here for another day unless everyone was required to wear a yellow hazmat suit.

By Paul J. Barreira, M.D.

Dear Colleagues, 

As we enter the springtime resolving to do better by our world, our communities, our families, and ourselves, I want to share some thoughts with you about how I’m beyond elated to be done with you miserable, unhygienic fucks.

That’s right ladies and gents, I’m leaving! Because guess what! I’ve dealt with your measles, your mumps, your flus, and the mold in your common room that gave this whole campus chronic lung disease, and I’m sick and tired of dealing with you. Maybe if you had washed your hands a few more times...or, you know, ever, we wouldn’t be in this position, but this is where I leave you. Let’s not hug goodbye.

These past 15 years have been a warzone, and I have been the general, fighting off your germs one by one. I have found parts of the job very rewarding; however, I am still unconvinced a single one of you would know what a bottle of hand sanitizer looked like even if I forced it down your throat. 

As I look back, I think of the public health policies I have sucessfully passed on campus. I also think of the ones I did not, which haunt me to this very day. You would think the threat of mumps swelling your balls to the size of damn melons would convince you to cancel Mather Lather just once. But noooooo, the exchange of bodily fluids is too fun, apparently. If it were up to me, this whole campus would be designated Biohazard Level 3. 

As a final parting gift, I leave you with the humble cold pack. As for me, I’m off to spend the rest of my days in an inflatable bumper ball, safe from your afflictions. I hope you will not miss me too much; I certainly will not miss you.

Take good care (or don’t, not my job anymore),

Paul J. Barreira, M.D.

Image credit: The Crimson

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