By Drew Gilpin Faust

Dear Members of the Harvard Community, 

Many of you have heard about an incident that occurred Thursday morning in lower Manhattan involving interactions between the The Goldman Sachs Group, Inc. and an esteemed university president. Many of you are understandably confused. You do not yet know all the facts. So let me tell you one: I will be able to fill an Olympic-sized swimming pool with Sacagawea coins and use the leftovers to buy a Six-Flags water slide.

I know what you're thinking. How can a person who single-handedly lost Harvard almost $2 billion have been accepted to the board of one of the most successful financial services companies in the world? 

Let me explain. There comes a time in every woman’s life when she must choose whether to continue to pursue the pure, progressive agenda she learned at Bryn Mawr, or fly straight into the dark, whirling vortex of late capitalism. But when a woman and an annual retainer of $75,000 love each other very much... Let’s just say that sometimes it takes a little bit of soul searching before you find the right job for you. Multi-million dollar corporations are like pantsuits: if the first one you try on isn’t the right fit, you find another in a bigger size.

What you students are doing is incredibly important. The liberal arts are the crown jewel of modern civilization. This is precisely why I am abandoning a lifelong career of studying the rich history of the our great nation to pursue a lifelong goal of personal riches. I know that we here at Harvard stress the importance of serving others. But over the years I have come to realize that oftentimes jobs that allow you to do this do not pay nearly as much as jobs that do not. An unfortunate fact, but a harsh reality we must accept. 

Additionally, who’s to say I cannot serve others from a secluded corner office on Wall Street? After all, financial services is not just about financials. Why, it’s in the name. A key component is “service.” From divesting Harvard from fossil fuels to teaching the future leaders of our country at Harvard’s recently established Undergraduate College, I have always worked tirelessly to serve the world in every way in which I can. And the world includes me. Thus, it is time for me to serve myself, and in doing so, serve the world.

I know I have often professed what a joy it is to work with all of you, but I assure you that those were patented lies and misinformation. Each and everyone of you is a little shit. The admissions office may have scored you on humor, likeability, and grit, but sadly it seems there wasn’t a category to predict whether you were a self-righteous fuck who judges the career choices of a 70-year-old woman -- and who will also be poor.

Peace out, bitches!

Sincerely, 

Drew Faust

Image credits: Harvard Magazine