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Kanye Got Kenny G for Kim So Here’s my Blockmate Playing the Piccolo in Lamont Café

Submit to the sweet, sweet sound of the piccolo

I saw Kanye’s epic gift for Kim this Valentine’s day and it really inspired me. I feel like I am the Kanye of Harvard’s class of 2021. Though I am a white male from Scarsdale, New York who wears khaki pants with sneakers and socks that go up uncomfortably high, I just feel the spirit of the rap god Yeezy flow through me. This makes you my Kim, even though you technically haven’t agreed to be my girlfriend and we’ve only hooked up twice. Kim and Kanye had a similar beginning, I believe. 

Though I do not at the moment have the means to fully clear out your common room and fill it with roses and renowned Jazz artist Kenny G, I do have the next best thing: my blockmate Karina playing the piccolo in a fully crowded Lamont Café. Karina’s been practicing the piccolo. She’s almost pretty good, I heard her get through the entirety of “Yankee Doodle” with only five missed notes. The onlookers will be our flowers, full on envy at this utterly romantic gesture. They will wish they could feel our undying love, and immediately picture me, a gov concentrator with a secondary in philosophy, as the one and only Kanye West. 

Lamont Café will be the place we can one day take our children and say “Look, this is where Mommy finally relented to Daddy’s incessant and stalker-ish attempts to get in her pants.” I know you’ll love Karina’s bird like chirping from the piccolo, and you’ll swoon as I approach in my “Yeezus” sweatshirt and off brand yeezus adidas. 

If for some reason this unparalleled and overwhelming declaration of love does not woo you, remember: we’ll always have Lamont Café. 

© 2019