and entering

Mass Hall Freshmen Kept Up Until 4 am by Drew Faust's Rager

Drew Faust in front of Mass Hall
President Drew Faust, Mass Hall Party Queen.

HARVARD YARD — This past Sunday, Massachusetts Hall residents were shocked to discover that the booming bass that had kept awake was in fact coming from the offices of Harvard’s President, Drew Gilpin Faust.

Interviewed on his way back from Lamont, one freshman spoke out.

“I thought that being in Mass Hall would suck because we wouldn’t be able to party with the president working right under us, but like… I had a pset to do," he said. "I didn’t ask for this.”  

“I called my proctor and asked him if he could tell them to keep it down,” said another such freshman, rubbing her eyes. “When I heard Despacito played six times in a row, I assumed it was coming from the douchebags across the hall, but I guess it’s the overseer of our billion dollar endowment.” Reports of the lower floors of Mass Hall “stinking of weed” had been received as well.

A few freshmen spotted Faust rushing to the hallway bathroom with a sash that read “Divest THIS.” Despite whispers of a HUDS-sponsored keg, no one dared venture lower than the third floor because the party seemed, according to Mass Hall proctor Jonah, “just really f***ing weird.” However, all the freshmen were invited to attend the event according to a few staffers who managed to slur through the campus’ policy on exclusivity.


© 2017