and entering

Match 19 for the Newly-Single

Just act casual!

Nothing beats breakup blues like getting out there, which is why we’ve curated this list of potential matches for you, the newly single.

Match 1: Ashley, your ex’s bestie

Risky but you do have a history. During some of the most important moments of the last few years she was there, peripherally.


Match 2: Brett, your ex’s new boyfriend

Just hear me definitely have something in common. And if he matches you back, then you caught him. Ha-HA!


Match 3: Onyx, the antithesis of your ex

Change is good. Your ex is a reformed Jew and Onyx is a devout Satanist. Your ex hates cats and Onyx purrs when you hold her hand. They both collect candles.


Match 4: Meghan, the Republican

Heated debate can make for great foreplay. It can also end in you perpetuating a political system that disadvantages women and people-of-color.


Match 5: Julia, the conspiracy theorist

Faked moon landings? Chemtrails? A second chance at love? You two got plenty of wild ideas to share.


Match 6: Kay, your best friend

Nothing says casual hookup like someone you know intimately and lean on for support in hard times!


Match 7: David, guy you met in a three-way

He was intimidating when you first met, but he’s probably a fun dude. Your ex sure liked him.


Match 8: Sarah, girl who happens to have same name as your ex.

She definitely has lots of great personal qualities you like. For example....she’s nice and can read books?


Match 9: Genevieve, friend who is also going through a breakup

Misery loves company and maybe even over-the-pants stuff?


Match 10: You, yourself

That’s right! Because self-love is all you nee–ugh who are you kidding...


Match 11: Jo, that cute barista

She always winked when handing you your Iced Chai. Haven’t seen her in a while since your ex still eats there.


Match 12: Bianca, freshman week friend

From before you had real friends that mattered and loved and supported you.


Match 13: Lisa, from archeology class

Maybe she can study the dark cavernous hole in your heart.


Match 14: Isabella, from astronomy class

Maybe she can study the ever-expanding hole in your heart.


Match 15: Nikki, from psychology class

She’ll blame your mom for the hole in your heart.


Match 16: Kira K., the good one

There are two Kira K’s and this one is the one you don’t hate...probably.


Match 17 Kira K., actually this is the good one

Okay so both Kira K’s live in the same house so there’s no way of telling them apart. But let’s just roll the dice on this one.


Match 18: Melissa (Moe), girl who goes by nickname you weren’t even aware of

It took a while to find her on the list because all her friends call her Moe. It’s okay. I’m sure you know her well enough.


Match 19: Amelia, your previous ex.

Remember that heartbreak? Honestly it’s just kind of funny at this point.


Bonus Friend Crush: Sarah, your ex


© 2019