From the Desk of President Drew Gilpin Faust:

Members of the Administration, Resident Deans, and the Faculty,

If you just opened this like I told you to, tie yourself down to whatever chair you're sitting in, because this email is going to be a rough fucking ride.

For those of you that have your heads stuck under rocks, which apparently is the majority of this administration, we have been FUCKING UP in terms of email searches and general interactions with the entire Harvard student body. I've been getting texts on texts about deans LITERALLY being so fucking AWKWARD and LYING so fucking much. If you're reading this right now and saying to yourself "But oh em gee Drew, I've been doing a really good job handling this situation!", then punch yourself in the face right now so that I don't have to fucking find you on campus to do it myself.

Resident deans, I do not give a flying fuck, and Harvard University does not give a flying fuck, about how much you fucking love to talk to The Crimson. You have 361 days out of the fucking year to talk to The Crimson, and this week is NOT, I fucking repeat NOT ONE OF THEM. This week is about getting the media to forget about the Gov 1310 scandal, and that's not fucking possible if you're going to sit around and LEAK CONFIDENTIAL DOCUMENTS. Newsflash you stupid cocks: DONORS DON’T LIKE CHEATING UNIVERSITIES. Oh wait, DOUBLE FUCKING NEWSFLASH: NONE OF US ARE GOING TO KEEP OUR JOBS IF WE FUCKING SUCK, which by the way in case you're an idiot and need it spelled out for you, WE FUCKING SUCK SO FAR.

This also applies to you little faculty shits that have openly criticized administration policies at faculty meetings IN FRONT OF THE STUDENT BODY. Are you people fucking retarded? That's not a rhetorical question, I LITERALLY want you to email me back telling me if you're mentally slow so I can make sure you don't go to anymore faculty meetings. If the administration openly said "Yeah we're gonna get rid of the tenure system", would you be happy? WOULD YOU? No you wouldn't, so WHY THE FUCK WOULD YOU FUCK US OVER ?? IN FRONT OF THE STUDENT BODY?!! First of all, you SHOULDN'T be criticizing this administration, I don't give a FUCK if you’re tenured, if you hate Dean Hammonds, or if you actually care about the undergraduate student body. YOU DON'T DO IT. YOU. DON'T. DO. IT. And you ESPECIALLY do fucking NOT convince other faculty members to do it with you.

This next part is for you, Evelynn. "But Drew!", you say in a whiny little bitch voice to your computer screen as you read this email, "I've been dealing with the media and taking the fall for all of you, doesn't that count for something?" NO YOU STUPID FUCKING ASS HAT, IT FUCKING DOESN'T. DO YOU WANNA KNOW FUCKING WHY?!! IT DOESN'T COUNT BECAUSE YOU'VE BEEN FUCKING UP AT MEDIA EVENTS TOO. I've gotten texts about you making fucking WEIRD statements  (for example, being a stupid shit and saying stuff like "durr I forgot about ordering that second round of email searches" is not fucking funny). ARE YOU FUCKING STUPID?!! I don't give a SHIT about honesty, YOU DON’T FUCKING TELL PEOPLE YOU WERE FUCKING LYING, HAVE YOU NEVER COVERED UP A SCANDAL BEFORE? ARE YOU FUCKING BLIND? Or are you just so fucking dense about what it means to make people like you that you think being a good little supporter of the Harvard community is going to make our donors happy? Well it's time someone told you, NO ONE FUCKING LIKES BAD PRESS, ESPECIALLY OUR FUCKING DONORS. I will fucking cunt punt the next person I hear about doing something like that, and I don't give a fuck if you AD BOARD me, I WILL FUCKING ASSAULT YOU.

"Ohhh, I'm now crying because your email has made me oh so so sad". Well good. If this email applies to you in any way, meaning if you are a little asswipe that leaks information to the media or if you're a weird shit that speaks out at faculty meetings, this following message is for you:

STOP DOING THAT SHIT.

I'm not fucking kidding. Stop. Seriously, if you have done ANYTHING I've mentioned in this email and have some rare disease where you're unable to NOT do these things, then you are HORRIBLE, I repeat, HORRIBLE PR FOR THIS UNIVERSITY. I would rather have 40 faculty members that are idiots but keep their fucking mouths shut than 800 that are fucking cunts. Seriously. I swear to fucking God if I see anyone being a goddamn boner from now on, I will tell you to resign even if you're tenured. I'm not even kidding. Try me.

And for those of you who are offended at this email, I would apologize but I really don't give a fuck. Go fuck yourself.

Sincerely,

Drew Gilpin Faust