and entering

Mumps Quarantine Now Most Exclusive Social Space on Campus

Like other exclusive social clubs, the Mump lies at the heart of campus and has mysterious criteria for entry.

CAMBRIDGE, MA -– From the ashes of the embattled single-gender final clubs, a new social space has risen like an even more exclusive Phoenix. The Inn has emerged as the most elite social space in Harvard history, home to the 0.007 percent: those students isolated to prevent the spread of mumps.

The association now known as "The Mump" was at first limited only to a select few, but has grown in size over the past month by opening its doors to a handful of newly chosen ones. HUHS Director Dr. Paul J. Barreira confirmed that he suspects about 45 students have been punched, or “contaminated,” as the group calls it. Dean Rakesh Khurana is not currently as concerned about this exclusive membership, since mumps has generously “contaminated” both men and women. 

“I’m desperate to get into the Mump,” said sophomore Alyssa Tan. “I’ve been going around kissing anyone with a slightly enlarged goiter so I can get their saliva, and be hospitalized and isolated at the club.” With no such luck yet, Tan says she plans to continue to share drinks and chapstick.

Ben Williams ‘17, one of the Mump's founding members, said he is aware that many students are looking to join the exclusive social space, but that he and his fellow infected friends are hoping to keep the club an intimate and special place. Ben explained, “We already have a lot of rules and traditions, but we’re different than the final clubs. Instead of hazing, we have hazmat suits, and instead of fancy caterers, we get trays of food dropped off outside our sealed doors.” 

At press time, several dozen students were seen protesting outside the Mump with signs that read “End Elite Culture” and “Members of The Mump Don’t Wash Their Hands.”  Members of the Fly and Porcellian clubs were seen using Purell as an act of defiance against this newer, more exclusive club.


Image Source: Kayak



© 2016