In a newly discovered theorem, Harvard math professor Noam

Elkies has found that Bill O'Reilly, host of the widely respected Fox News

program *The O'Reilly Factor*, is not factorable.

The proof, which took Elkies just hours to complete, was by

contradiction. ""Suppose O'Reilly is factorable,"" explained Elkies in his

algebraic topology class, ""this implies that there exists some integers x, y

such that x multiplied by y equals O'Relly. However, O'Reilly is in actuality

not a number, but a person. Thus, we have a contradiction, and O'Reilly is not

factorable.""

O'Reilly, whose credibility and ratings have taken a hit with

the discovery, offered his defense on his program last night. ""Listen folks, I

don't know who this math-pansy socialist thinks he is. I'm factorable. These

reports are coming from the haters on the far left. Just throw it in the

garbage. Fuck it. Fuck it! I'LL DO IT LIVE."" The host proceeded to divide

himself in half in an attempt to show that two is a factor of O'Reilly, dying

immediately.

Elkies, who became interested in the problem after upgrading

from an antenna to digital cable, plans to continue his exploits into the

mathematical analysis of cable news networks. His next two lectures, open for

all to attend, are entitled, ""Anderson Cooper 360 Actually in Radians"" and ""Wolf

Blitzer: Man or Beast?""