and entering

Parent Gives Child In-Utero Harvard Tours

Marner allegedly regrets not having tri-lingual flashcards available during conception.

CAMBRIDGE, MA – Area mother-to-be Kristen Marner gave her unborn son a tour of Harvard College this past Thursday, scrupulously setting him up for a life of disappointment.

 At around 11am, when most productive members of society were occupied with their careers and daily lives, Marner was spotted sneaking into a Chem 30 lecture to expose her fetus to the concepts of molecular orbital theory and pericyclic reactions.

 “The voices of Harvard professors work just like classical music,” Marner said as she listened, enraptured. “Sometimes it even helps the baby hear it when you hum along.”

 According to Marner, her son will at least be starting “ahead of the pack” in a generation of children who are being prepared for college earlier and earlier. “It’s imperative to start now,” she said, “especially since Harvard’s acceptance rate is declining so rapidly that it’ll be in the negatives soon.”

 Upon reaching the 7-month mark, Marner decided the time was right to pay more attention to details. Since then, she has made a point to sneak into the Freshman Activities Fair and draw up a list of the extracurriculars in which her fetus will be involved. However, Marner is currently feeling stressed by the pressing decision she must make regarding his concentration.

 “I’m considering a double-concentration in Chemistry and Computer Science, with a secondary in Economics,” she admitted, “but I’m really not sure whether or not I should change the secondary to Government instead.”

 Meanwhile, Marner has already contracted an SAT tutor to burp the baby three times a day when it is born.

 “It’s important to not lose ground in the college application process by starting too late,” Marner said wistfully as she patted her spherical stomach. “After all, it won’t be easy for him to be this well-rounded again.”

© 2013