CAMBRIDGE – The faculty and staff of the Harvard College Writing Program announced today that not a single first-year had enrolled in a section of Expository Writing 20 entitled “Anomalies of Soybean Germination” despite its anticipated popularity.

“A course on the entirety of soybean development seemed too ambitious,” commented Thomas Jehn, Sosland Director of the Writing Program, “so we focused on the viral topic of germination irregularities. We tailor all of our class topics to student interests. And beans are just blowing up on the 'gram. I, myself, double-tap pictures of beans morning, noon, and night.”

The course syllabus lists the first unit of the course as a close reading of “Epigeal Disruption and the Amelioration of Endosperm Dysradia,” a 200-page treatise published in 1973. “The work provides countless opportunities for students to voice their undoubtedly fervent beliefs about the germination of Glycine max in the form of a well-structured essay,” said Samuel Grey, the section's preceptor. “They must have already read the paper and figured the class would only be review.” 

“More than anything, I’m worried that the Class of 2022 will be unable to succeed without important lessons in legumology,” said Grey, visibly concerned as he reached for a third package of microwavable edamame. “What if they buy soy milk? How will they assure their friends that the soybeans were most likely grown in soil that was at least 55°F and had ample territory for cation exchange?” The preceptor also expressed regret for purchasing a 6-foot tall soybean cardboard cutout with Writing Program funds. “I guess Soyomon the Giant Bean won't get a chance to illustrate the importance of seed coats to students.”