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Prefrosh Obliterates World Record For Most Fucking Useless Posts In Facebook Group

DECEMBER 15, 2018, CAMBRIDGE, MA - Harvard University President Lawrence Bacow and the Guinness Book of World Records called an emergency press conference this morning to confirm that Arthur Jenkins, an early admit to the Harvard College Class of 2023, had shattered the longstanding record for the most fucking useless posts made by a single individual to a Facebook group.

A mere 48 hours after receiving his letter of admission, Jenkins had already amassed a whopping 2,483 inane submissions to the Harvard Class of 2023 group, posting at a superhuman rate of 1.7 times per second. Highlights of his impressive portfolio included invitations to 924 different GroupMe chats, an early draft of his platform for the 2040 presidential election, and separate introductory posts for his pet, potted plant collection, and entire extended family.

“It’s not just how many posts Arthur has managed to make - it’s the sheer, unparalleled stupidity of each and every one that really impressed me,” said President Bacow. “Harvard has always taken pride in our diverse mix of talents, and it takes some real talent to be this goddamn annoying."

An extensive survey of the incoming freshman class by the Harvard College Open Data Project concluded that the average amount of fucks given about Jenkins’ posts had plummeted to somewhere between zero and negative four. Furthermore, it was discovered that 99.5% of prefrosh had already placed his name at the top of their lists of “People At Harvard To Briefly Make Eye Contact With In The Yard But Not Talk To Under Any Circumstances.” The remaining 0.5% quickly formed Jenkins’ loyal cult following who, in a Herculean feat of social media prowess, managed to comment on every post within a millisecond of its upload.

Naomi Zhang, a former member of the Harvard Class of 2023, commented: “Harvard has been my dream school for the last twelve years - oh shit, ANOTHER post asking if anyone’s passing through Cheyenne, Wyoming today? Why the fuck would anyone go to Cheyenne, Wyoming? That’s - that’s it. I can’t deal with this any more,” she said, frantically opening up her laptop to accept her offer from Ohio State.

At time of press, Harvard alumnus Mark Zuckerberg was begging Jenkins to cease his posting crusade, which had reportedly overloaded Facebook servers and prevented them from selling information to the NSA.

© 2018
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