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Proctor Shocked After Nobody Attends Cocaine-Themed Study Break

common room filled with piles of cocaine
A typical study-break dilemma: lots of cocaine, no students.
CANADAY BASEMENT — In a disheartening setback for student life at Harvard College, Canaday G proctor Noah R. Wellings confirmed that zero freshmen showed up to his Wednesday night study break, despite the fact that it was based entirely around recreational cocaine use.
Before the study break, the PAF-proctor team had high hopes for the event and had secured $400,000 in funding from the Freshman Dean’s Office. Wellings wrote in his budget proposal, “After 26 failed study breaks this year based around lukewarm pizza, stale cookies, and awkward trivia, we feel strongly that the only way we can foster community in Canaday G is through buying a half-ton of grade A cocaine." 

But just like every other study break this year, nobody showed up—even after two pubbing emails, three GroupMe messages, 29 desperate texts to each member of the entryway, and one video on my.harvard of Wellings making cocaine snow angels on the Canaday air hockey table.
Wellings—whose plan for the evening included music playlists, a station for intravenous consumption, and rolled-up paper currencies from the seven countries represented by Canaday G freshmen—felt personally offended by the failed study break. “As an educator," he said, "it breaks my heart to spend all this time planning a fun event only to have no one show up and come skiing.”
Students in the entryway had a variety of excuses. G31 resident Jared C. Larson '21, who heard about the study break while cleaning out his spam folder, commented, “I actually might have gone if it was, like, just doing cocaine, but I figured they would find a way to incorporate life advice or something and make it super boring.”
G22 resident Anna W. Carver '21 added, “I had a nasty PS11 pset that I hadn’t started, plus I’ve heard that unlicensed possession of cocaine is a federal offense punishable to up to 27 years in prison.”
At press time, Wellings received a stern warning from the Honor Council after rumors surfaced that he had partially plagiarized his study break from the Spee.
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© 2018