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Quad Residents Jealous of Bomb Threat Attention

Quad residents, under no threat whatsoever, gather to discuss this week's traumatic events.

CAMBRIDGE, MA - With news disseminating across campus that a bomb threat had been received by Harvard administrators, many students felt scared, nervous, and unsure where to turn. Although law enforcement evacuated several buildings in the Yard, residents of the Radcliffe Quadrangle claim to have felt largely ignored during the commotion.

“Hey, we also felt pretty threatened by that rumpus,” insisted Pforzheimer House resident Eliza Elliott ’18. Elliott wondered why none of the Quad’s buildings had been evacuated or searched, as law enforcement agencies attempted to resolve the crisis. “I mean, why wouldn't somebody try to damage our buildings? We have some of the most important parts of Harvard’s heritage!”

After being repeatedly told by HUPD officers to “more than sufficiently” distance himself from the threat, Cabout House Resident James Donofrio '17 took matters into his own hands and followed the scores of anxious freshmen being herded into Annenberg. “If they won’t bring the threat to the quad, I guess I’ll have to bring the quad to the threat,” he said, with a resolute look of grim determination spreading across his face.

At press time, a small group of Currier House residents was seen staring wistfully through Johnston Gate at a HUPD squad car.

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