THE WOODS — Reports surfaced on Thursday that the shit you took in the woods during your FOP trip over three-and-a-half years ago is still decomposing.
While you moved on with your life—as you went through four Housing Days, one thesis, 32 classes, three summer internships, and eight winter and spring breaks—that pile of shit has just been sitting there under the tree you defecated behind one hot August day.
At the time, back in 2014, you dug your little hole with the shit trowel and blithely buried your poop and biodegradable toilet paper. You felt all virtuous because you were Leaving No Trace, but there was a trace. There was definitely a trace.
As time marched on, you were all wrapped up in the 2016 election, and Brad Pitt and Angelina Jolie’s divorce, and whatever that Vine about Daniel was, completely oblivious to the fact that your crap was still somewhere in the process of becoming soil.
The reports confirmed that the chemicals in the processed meat log that you were forced to consume for lunch three out of the five days of your trip have stayed in the dirt and are probably poisoning baby bunnies right at this moment.
Your FOP leaders, who occasionally waved to you on campus but never once grabbed a meal with you, told you to walk at least 200 feet from the nearest water source before digging your hole. But you deposited your feces a mere 14 feet from the creek you used to cook your dinner.
While you moved on with your life—as you went through four Housing Days, one thesis, 32 classes, three summer internships, and eight winter and spring breaks—that pile of shit has just been sitting there under the tree you defecated behind one hot August day.
At the time, back in 2014, you dug your little hole with the shit trowel and blithely buried your poop and biodegradable toilet paper. You felt all virtuous because you were Leaving No Trace, but there was a trace. There was definitely a trace.
As time marched on, you were all wrapped up in the 2016 election, and Brad Pitt and Angelina Jolie’s divorce, and whatever that Vine about Daniel was, completely oblivious to the fact that your crap was still somewhere in the process of becoming soil.
The reports confirmed that the chemicals in the processed meat log that you were forced to consume for lunch three out of the five days of your trip have stayed in the dirt and are probably poisoning baby bunnies right at this moment.
Your FOP leaders, who occasionally waved to you on campus but never once grabbed a meal with you, told you to walk at least 200 feet from the nearest water source before digging your hole. But you deposited your feces a mere 14 feet from the creek you used to cook your dinner.
While you spent your college career doing p-sets, and casually hooking up with your FOP friend Jessica (with whom you certainly did not Hop on FOP), and comping The Advocate, your shit has been percolating through the A, E, and B horizons of the soil, slowly making its way towards the water that future FOP participants will drink from.
At press time, the fart molecules from your fuzzy cheesecake-fueled farts are still dissipating into the atmosphere.
© 2018
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