and entering

Scientist Discovers Rare Breed of Undergrad in Depths of Lamont

“That place is a cesspool of hate and desolation. It’s perfect. ”—Thomas Lamont on choosing the location for a new undergraduate library, 1939.

Cambridge, MA—While collecting books for zoological research, Harvard Professor Brian Farrell made a groundbreaking and serendipitous discovery just one short mile from his research lab at Harvard University.

“I stopped in one of the undergraduate libraries,” began Farrell, “to pick up a book unavailable in Widener. As I made my way into the restricted C-level stacks, I noticed a sobbing sound unlike any on record since the extinction of Hopefullia freshmanus during fall midterms.”

The newly discovered specimen, christened Undergradus lamontus, is a rare type of student found living in the unique hell-holish environment. Farrell has just begun observational studies, but it appears that the breed lives entirely off of coffee and low-quality yet not-too-bad-for-a-library-café sushi.

“What’s most interesting is the subject’s visionary cortex, which seems to have evolved to the low-light conditions and general aura of despair permeating its environment,” said Farrell. “It has become so accustomed to its environment that to leave Lamont actually causes physical pain, likely due to intense light conditions and the possibility of social interactions”

The C-floor of Lamont remains one of the most unexplored areas in the world and is to many scientists the last frontier of discovery.

“We actually now know more about storage space than our own C-floor,” said Lamont building manager Mark Sader. “It’s exciting to see that begin to change.”

Preliminary data show that Undergradus lamontus has been present in the unnaturally harsh environment of Lamont for anywhere between five to eight days, or since it found out it has four final papers due the last day of the semester. Though initially hostile, the breed quickly becomes willing to complain about its impending assignments, even to strangers.

Undergradus lamontus adds to Farrell’s impressive list of area discoveries, including Hottia tfus and Douchebaggis gradstudus– a species found only in the grottoes of Café Gato Rojo and subsisting only on Eucalyptus leaf tea and John Coltrane’s Giant Steps LP. Farrell is sure to continue breaking ground, and his lab is currently trying to figure out what the hell is going on with that underground tree thing.

© 2014