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Stat 110 releases “Joe’s Bikini Body Blitz(stein),” A Probabilistic Conditioning Program for Lean Muscle Mass

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Look at that discrete uniform distribution of well-defined abs and pecs!

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Stat 110 Productions, best known for its critically-acclaimed Panopto original series “Lecture Videos” (a genre-defying dramedy staring the charismatic Joseph Blitzstein on a life-long quest to determine when the next bus home to Blissville will arrive), recently announced a bold venture into the hottest emerging market of the year: statistics-themed workout regimens.

Joe’s Bikini Body Blitz(stein)™ promises to get you in the “line of best fitness” of your life through a patented mix of calisthenics, regression, and conditioning. It was unveiled yesterday to a half-empty auditorium and muted applause.

“Unlike radioactive decay fitness is not exponentially distributed. The more you put in the faster the body of your dreams comes true,” Blitzstein explained while demonstrating perfect-form Romanian deadlifts. “Conditioning is the soul of statistics. It’s also great for the soul itself, as working out is positively correlated with—but does not necessarily cause—happiness.” 

Some of the program’s novel and rigorously proven exercises include the Cauchy-Schwartz/Jensen superset (“does wonders for smoothing out inequalities in muscle definition”), the Binomial press (“feel the Bern-oulli”), random walk cardio (“potentially infinite calories burned”), alternating sets of bicep contraction/relaxation (“works by symmetry”), and squats ("always use a belt for support—people always forget the support and I have to take off points, I simply have no choice. No choice at all.")

The program comes in a box-set of thirty hyperlinks to Panopto videos, each containing an hour and fifteen minutes of content plus an additional 110 hours of R tutorials that you’ll skip. Critics have called it the "perfect" stocking stuffer alongside an Evil Cauchy plush doll. 

“One of the most fundamental truths in statistics is Bae’s Rule: Given that you want to get baes, you need to lift…bro,” Blitzstein shouted while benching 300lbs with one arm. “Stationary distributions are great for Markov chains, yes, but will kill your obliques. Take a page from the two-node birth-death chain -- stationary lifestyles lead to poor health and an early death.”

Blitzstein also emphasized the essential (but often overlooked) mental and nutritional aspects of his program 

“It’s a simple proof that your diet can be reduced to chicken and egg whites,” Blitzstein bellowed while lunging around the auditorium with the entire Harvard Statistics department on his back. “But don't be a memoryless Poisson process and forget to take your multivariatamins. My Jacobian-based program will give you the change of variables and mindset needed to sculpt the body of your dreams. 

The first 110 people to purchase the program will also receive a photo calendar of Blitzstein flexing in skin-tight Batman costumes, a photo calendar of Blitzstein posing at a desk writing Stat 110 practice midterms, and an autographed copy of Introduction to Bro-bability: Gainz for Dayz by Jessica Hwang.

Blitzstein ended the press conference by guaranteeing that “the continuously distributed flab on your body will become a discrete uniform distribution of well-defined abs and pecs through the power of the continuity correction. Regretting your purchase is a category error -- impossible in all conceivable universes. That’s it for today. Thanks.”


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