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A Tale of Two Endowments

dick jokes
Note: circles sized to scale of returns

Is Harvard’s endowment underperforming? That’s the question members of the Harvard Management Company face after years of unsatisfactory growth from its investment appendage. University President Drew Faust repeatedly characterized the endowment as “disappointing.” “We just can’t get off on -2% returns,” remarks Faust.

Previous HMC interim-CEO Robert A. Ettl assured the University that this is a perfectly normal thing to happen to an endowment from time to time, and that there was no reason to be embarrased about it. When pressed, he attributed “execution” as a “key factor” in the poor performance of Harvard’s endowment. "There are manifold reasons for the weak returns, but that's the jizzst of it."

In contrast, newly-appointed CEO N.P. Narvekar attributes the endowment’s ED (Endowment Diminishment) to personell. “You see men all over coming right out of school and doing better than Harvard’s endowment. Yale’s endowment may not be that big, but its performance is really fantasdick. Just goes to show, it’s the not size of the endowment, it’s how you invest it.”

HMC has already gotten the ball rolling on an overhaul. However, it is currently reported that only half of current HMC employees are getting laid (off) by the Harvard endowment.

Said one employee, "It's nuts."

© 2017