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As Tensions Escalate Between Bon Me and Saloniki, SwissBakers Declares its Neutrality

SwissBakers could be seen displaying its neutrality as an SR-71 Blackbird Doughnut spy plane flew high above.

SMITH CAMPUS CENTER — As tensions escalate between the Greek Saloniki and the Vietnamese Bon Me restaurants, SwissBakers has lived up to its name, issuing a declaration of neutrality. With stores around the Square hurrying to pick a side, the Smith Center eatery hopes to remain above the fray, maintaining Swiss bake accounts for all involved. The news comes as a shock to Harvard political analysts, many of whom were surprised to learn that SwissBakers was still in business.

“Our country prides itself on lax baking laws,” explained store manager Heinrich Franz, speaking with reporters in between customers. Given current business, the session lasted almost two hours. “We can’t afford to let conflict disrupt the open environment SwissBakers is trying to create. Like seriously, we can’t afford it. Oh my God, we are already hemorrhaging money as is.”

“Despite the declaration, we’re in high spirits,” commented Bon Me owner Tran Nguyen, preparing for guerilla war in the bushes of Cambridge Commons. “While Swiss aid would have certainly helped our cause, we’ve already signed alliances with CVS, the food trucks, and Cambridge Trust. Any good general knows that money and supply lines win wars.”

As he spoke, a contingent from Saloniki walked past in full military regalia, combing the park fearfully while “Fortunate Son” played in the background. “The enemy likes to hide in trees,” explained Saloniki manager Kyriakos Kolokotronis, “and sometimes at Milk Bar, where the lines are too long for us to get in.” He stopped abruptly, ears attuned to the slightest sound. “We’ve got Charlie everywhere!” he shrieked, referring to mercenaries from Charlie’s Kitchen. Kolokotronis only realized his mistake when a confused freshman emerged from hiding with a bong in hand.

Back at the Smith Center, Franz continued to complain about SwissBakers’ financial troubles. “I can’t afford to feed my kids anymore, so I’ve started bringing home the pastries we don’t sell. My kids are celiac!” Prodded about the possibility of Smith Center violence, Franz took a moment instead to curse whatever God has forsaken him. “Why Lord? Why? Who could have known that a high-end bakery didn’t meet the needs of a grab-and-go student market?”

© 2019