and entering

They’ll Never Notice Me Stealing Cheese from the Holworthy Kitchen if I Make the Science Center Tent Extra Long

Dear Members of the Harvard Community:

As I approach the end of my tenure as Harvard President, I must confess there is one problem I thought I’d never solve. For years, social norms against robberies from communal fridges have discouraged me from descending down to the basement of Conan O’Brian’s freshman dorm to get the one thing I truly desire: cheddar cheese.

You know, it’s hard. I’ve been at Harvard for 9 long fucking years. But nothing gets these old bones feeling like it’s 2007 again like pillaging some sweet sweet dairy product from the bowels of Harvard’s only freshman dorm home to 84 freshman in three vertical entryways.

And yet, I could never. I couldn’t risk being spotted by some aspiring journalist freshman midway through the flyby comp who would let my secret out. “Drew Faust? More Like Drew Mause Who Likes Cheddar Cheese,” the headlines would read. I would be a mockery. My secret could never get out.

But one night, I devised a devilish plot to keep the prying eyes of freshmen and proctors away from me as I journey to obtain my precious. It’s all in the tent, you see. The Science Center Plaza Tent. “What tent?” you ask. “The tent that only takes up a meager 50% of the Science Center Plaza?” Yes. That tent. That moderately sized tent that can only hold ONE artisanal farmers market. In that tent, I saw a powerful diversion. That tent was to become big enough to hold not one, but two farmers markets. They would be so distracted they would never notice my true motives. And now, it has finally come to fruition. Soon, Holworthy’s entire block of Cracker Barrel Sharp White Cheddar will be mine.

“But Drew!” they would say, “That’s conspiring to commit petty thievery!” Well guess what, buddy? The science center tent has miraculously expanded to twice its original length in a time period of less than 12 hours. I know, you feel speechless. You have to go see it. You think that shit is for the Law School Bicentennial? No, idiot. It’s so they won’t notice me scamper down the stairwell on the East Side of Holworthy Hall for my favorite variety of hard, off-white, sharp tasting, natural cheese.

In conclusion, I hope you suckers have fun standing in awe of the now doubled plaza surface area sheltered by white tarp. If you need me, I'll be stuffing my face with hard fermented milk in Mass Hall.


Drew Faust


© 2017