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Turkey Club Inducts Inaugural Punch Class

F.L. Ightless is a founding member of the Turkey Club.
CAMBRIDGE, MA —The Turkey Club, Harvard's newest and most feather-ridden final club, inducted its first punch class over the weekend.
The Club, affectionately known as "The Gobb" and located in the general vicinity of Plympton Street, sprung up this fall in response to a growing number of turkeys who have literally nothing to do.
Harvard-area turkeys were excited, if a little defensive, about their new club. "Gobble social space for gobble gobble turkeys to gather gobble. Gobble exclusive? Maybe gobble a little gobble," said F.L. Ightless, a founding member of the Club. "But gobble gobble if we ever gobble." 
Students who live in the surrounding area are not as thrilled. "I thought it was obnoxious when the Fly Club blasted mid-2000s pop music every Saturday night," said Adams House resident Jennifer U. O'Connell '19. "But the incessant gobbling is much worse and actually very disturbing."
Sources said that the Turkey Club's punch was very exclusive and bordered on hazing, as dozens of turkeys were cut in the first round and sent "to a farm upstate." In a particularly vicious second round, all punches "volunteered" to eat a bowl of HUDS turkey noodle soup.
Indeed, several turkeys quit midway through the punch out of principle. "Gobble gobble respect for my ancestors gobble," said a turkey who wished to remain anonymous. "Not gobble in good conscience gobble gobble."
At press time, reports indicate that if Harvard decides to sanction single-species social organizations, the Turkey Club plans to merge with the Owl to form the Fowl Club.
© 2017