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University Relieved It Doesn't Have Women's Football Team

Suck it, Title IX!
CAMBRIDGE, MA -- In light of the recent revelations surrounding the Harvard men's cross-country and soccer teams' objectification of their female counterparts, the university administration expressed its relief that Harvard doesn't have a women's football team.
"I am so grateful that this is one team I definitely won't need to discipline," announced Director of Athletics Bob Scalise. "Like, can you imagine how much it would suck to cancel Harvard-Yale because some asshole made a joke about a girl being a 'wide receiver' or a 'tailback?' I mean, there would be a significant possibility that one of the college's most beloved traditions would be kaput, all because someone said he'd be 'open in the flats' or wanted to see a girl 'go for a Hail Mary.'"
"All I'm saying is thank God there isn't some email from 2009 about a 'dime back' or 'the flexbone,'" concluded Scalise.
"Jesus, I'm lucky," confirmed New York Jets quarterback Ryan Fitzpatrick '05. "Maybe it would've started after my time, but can you imagine if it came out that a star for a New York sports team had sent explicit emails about 18-year-olds? It would've been a PR nightmare. I owe my career to the NCAA not offering women's football."
At press time, Scalise and his staff could be seen drafting a form letter saying they were very disappointed in the X team and their decision to X.

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