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Veritaffle Maker Distributor Disappointed by Sales of Verilatke Maker

The Verilatke Maker has not been very successful, perhaps due to the large Babylonian, Assyrian, Greek, Egyptian, Roman, Spanish, Russian, and German populations at Harvard.

CAMBRIDGE, MA – Cuisinart, producer and distributor of the popular Veritaffle Maker, saw a disappointing showing at the recent release of its new Verilatke Maker. Cuisinart released the Verilatke Maker to the Harvard University Dining Service (HUDS) following four consecutive quarters of high sales of its popular Veritaffle Maker. Hoping to replicate the success of the appliance, which imprints Harvard’s iconic Veritas insignia into breakfast waffles, Cuisinart decided to foray into more diverse foods.

“The Veritaffle has always been such a hit in Harvard dining halls,” said Cuisinart Director of Customer Relations Archer F. Johnson. “We hoped its success could spread beyond waffles,” Johnson said. Latkes, or “potato pancakes” as they are popularly known, are an oil-soaked Jewish cuisine eaten during Hannukah in commemoration of a small amount of sacred oil lasting eight days. Added Johnson, “I mean, who doesn’t love latkes, right?”

Citing recent figures estimating an 83% Jewish population at Harvard, Cornell Professor of Economics Jerry Whitman calls the failed release a surprise. “I honestly don’t get it. I love latkes and I’m not even Jewish. There’s so many Jews at Harvard, how could they not love this shit?” Whitman added, “I guess the supply outstrips the demand. Or something.”

Johnson surmises that the sales figures will postpone the planned release of the Verijello Maker and Veridumpling Maker. 


CORRECTION: October 15

 An earlier version of this article incorrectly identified latkes as a "Jewish cuisine eaten during Passover when leavened bread is forbidden." Author Sam Clark will be allowed to go on Birthright despite this gross misrepresentation of his Nonna's cooking. 

© 2012