by Harvard Athletics
Today is the biggest social event of the fall, and we really want all the students to come out and support our athletics teams, so we kidnapped your mom and she’s calling you for lunch at Mignone Field!
Look, we know Harvard students don’t get too riled up about sports, so we are exploring alternative ways to generate enthusiasm for our student athletes. First, we tried dangling rare Harvard beanies and free Felipe’s to entice students to the stadium. No one showed. Next, we tried having a blow out barbeque AND closed all but two of the dining halls on game days. Everyone needs to eat, or so we thought. But alas, it failed too. If we couldn't force students to come to games by depriving them of basic necessities, we thought our case was hopeless.
But then it struck us: What do all humans need and crave? To what entity will all students submit? Who has the power to bend even the strongest of wills, and how can we use this secret weapon to draw oppositional students out of the woodwork and onto the sidelines?
The answer was clear: your mom. She’s there right now, at Mignone Field, beckoning you to the greatest student event of the semester. That’s right, we kidnapped your mom, and she’s ringing the bell to summon you to feast on our burgers and limp fries before Harvard vs Dartmouth.
Your mom visiting you for family weekend? Snatched, and now enjoying a hearty meal at the Women’s Field Hockey game. Thought your mom was safe at home in Tennessee? You’d be a fool to think so, for she’s at the game too, making friends with the woman who gave birth to your MCB 60 pset partner. She’s at Mignone field, and she misses you. Go to her.
You students can withstand hunger, you can withstand inconvenience, but you cannot withstand your mom calling you to a meal. Would you really wait in line for 45 minutes to eat in Dunster, or walk to Currier just to avoid the football game, when your mom is missing her child? It may be the day after Halloween, but no one is such a monster.
Harvard Athletics: 1. Students: 0. We’ll see you next weekend at Men’s Water Polo vs Brown when we disable the flush on all the toilets on campus.
