and entering

Widener Library to Become Public Pool

Banker's lamps will be replaced with the laughter of children.

Cambridge, MA – In a yet contested ruling, the Cambridge City Council tentatively voted on Tuesday to convert Widener Library, which has symbolized Harvard University for almost a century, into a City Pool. The pool, which is unofficially being called the Suckett-Harvard Pool, after Revolutionary hero Geribald Suckett and its location in Harvard Square, will span multiple levels, allowing ample room for both lap swimming and free swimming.

            Cambridge obtained control of the property after Harvard freshman Laurence Nub used a pencil to etch his name onto the southern exterior of the building. As everyone knows, one of the conditions of the original Widener donation stipulated that "the exterior of the building is never to be altered, lest ownership of Widener Library and all its contents revert to the city of Cambridge." Nub claims he "had no idea that was a thing," but some members of the Harvard community aren't convinced, even going so far as to accuse Nub of being on the payroll of the Cambridge City Council.

            President Faust, when asked if the University was considering appealing the transfer of ownership, sighed and said, "How could we? We've all been on the college tour, we've all heard about the rule. We don't want to embarrass Harvard any further by taking a hopeless case to court."

            According to Councilwoman Lucy Lump, the decision to turn the library into a pool was by no means unanimous. She herself voted to turn it into a paintball arena. "Just think about it," said Lump, "there are millions of old books in there. Right now, the plan is to burn them, but that would be such a waste when they could be used for target practice, built into makeshift forts, or simply carried around as shields."

            Though the council did vote in favor of a pool, Lump has begun working with Councilman Tony Eggs, de facto leader of the Laser Tag Faction, to form the Gun Sports Coalition, which would control a majority of the council and should be able to reverse the decision. 

© 2013