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Yeah, But Underwater Football Would Be Pretty Cool

Larry Bacow
Instead of buying coolers full of Gatorade, players can just open one of the thousands of half empty bottles that will float into the stadium along with a few tons of other oceanborne plastics.

by Larry Bacow

Dear Members of the Harvard Community,

Our campus has long been host to lively debates around the most pressing social issues of our time. Indeed, we are proud that our students engage freely in the exchange of ideas. On Saturday, hundreds of protesters rushed the field of the annual Harvard-Yale game to demand that we divest our endowments from the fossil fuel industry. 

Though I recognize their bravery, I cannot help but ask: Wouldn’t underwater football be like, so bitching?

I really don't think the rise in sea levels which threatens to flood our stadium in the next 50 years is such a bad thing. For one, it would push the athleticism of the entire sport. Running backs would have to run through waist-high water to have any hopes of making a catch. They’d also get that feeling you get in a nightmare when you’re being chased by something, which is pretty awesome if you think about it. 

Think about how much we would all learn if football was underwater. Referees would learn to snorkel. Quarterbacks would learn to differentiate between the ball and dead marine life floating atop the water. I still haven’t figured out how field goals would work, but I'm sure our bright students will come up with something. We'd also be making sports more interdisciplinary, I think, since we could have joint football and water polo practice. (Combining the two might save us some money, as well, that we could then invest in awesome stuff like oil rigs or strip mining.)

I'd be remiss not to point out that, indeed, the whole concept is generally pretty badass. Everything is cooler when it’s underwater. Like octopi! And Aquaman! (Aquaman is cool now, right? Someone back me up on this.) And, you know, I think it would be badass if we and Yale kept investing the 70 billion dollars between us without considering our impact on future generations. But if that’s just us, feel free to focus on Aquaman. And did you know that the Coliseum in Rome often flooded? Our stadium would be even more like a damn gladiator arena, and that's just undeniably dope. 

See? Life without divestment wouldn’t be so bad, at least for the 30% of species which don’t go extinct. Please be a bro on this one. And next time, instead of disrupting campus activities, just send me more angry emails from your room, where I can continue to ignore you.

Image credit: The Harvard Crimson

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