and entering

You Know What, I Worked Hard On This

Well what the FUCK was I supposed to do, okay? I'm trying here.

Listen up assholes, and listen good. Over the past year we have heard your complaints about final clubs, social spaces, and exclusivity on campus. Yesterday we finally took action and decided to sanction members of single-gender organizations like private final clubs, fraternities, and sororities. Yet many of you insist that we have overstepped our bounds by violating the freedom of association and unfairly punishing all-female organizations. Oh, so now you like exclusivity? What, Harvard isn't exclusive enough for you shits? I worked hard on this, and I deserve some appreciation.

Sure, there might be some legitimate complaints about our actions. But can't you give me, like, a DAY of appreciation? This didn't come out of nowhere, you know. First we had to build a campus consensus that final clubs breed a toxic environment of exclusivity and male privilege. Then we had to completely ignore all objections about female final clubs and Greek Life. Finally, we had to consult the High Sparrow from Game of Thrones just to make sure President Faust wouldn't be led through Harvard Yard in a procession of shame. Then and only then could we make this momentous announcement. So be a little more appreciative, okay?

It's not as if Harvard isn't already exclusive. Our acceptance rate is second only to Stanford, we only officially merged with Radcliffe in 1999(!), and there are still hundreds of clubs that are happy to exclude you. You think the Lampoon and the Advocate will become any more accepting? No. The answer is no. And yes, I know that the rush process is not as exclusive as the punch process, but what do you want me to do? I was under a lot of pressure from the High Sparrow, and also from a team of very influential lawyers.

So, as you consider the downside to sanctions for members of Greek organizations, remember that they also charge a lot of money. Don't think any deeper than that. 

This was hard, okay? You ungrateful little shits...


Dean Khurana


© 2016