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From the Archives: Jesus of Nazareth is Ruining the Economy

Buyer Beware

By now, we’re all familiar with the antics of the man calling himself The Messiah. What you may not know about are the devastating effects his carelessly executed “miracles” are having on the local economy. My name is Samuel. I’m a decent, hardworking fisherman, and I’m writing to tell you that Galilee simply cannot afford to keep this public menace around.

Just a few weeks ago, I made my regular trip into Cana to sell some extra wares at the Temple; dried fish, some spare supplies, anything to take in a few more coins. Now I’ve never liked the hassle of going into town, but times are tough here in Galilee, and sometimes a man has to do a bit extra to feed his family. Anyway, I had just set up my little table, with all the other working stiffs trying to make ends meet, and was settling in for a day of honest work, when who should drop in but our favorite maniac. The man shouted something about his daddy’s place, and without so much as a warning he started flipping tables, turning over carts, and hitting anybody who got too close. I left that day with nothing but a black eye and a load of trampled tilapia, and had to explain to my son why he would be waiting another week for sandals. Later, I heard that he had crashed a wedding and magicked up a month’s supply of wine, costing my buddy Abraham the brewer a good sale.

But that wasn’t the end of it. Just last week, while I was out on my fishing boat, I looked at the shore and noticed a huge crowd of people standing around. Squinting through my black eye, I put it at about five thousand, give or take a few. I wanted to see what the commotion was about, but like a responsible adult, I had a job to do, so I ignored my curiosity and my chronic back pain, and kept hauling in nets. It was a good catch that day, and I headed to my stall more than ready for the dinner rush. 

But that day, I couldn’t pull in a single shekel. None of us could. Guess which Son of God had waltzed into my village and dropped an infinite supply of loaves and fish onto our heads? Every baker and fisherman around the Sea of Galilee, myself included, is out of a job, thanks to Jesus Christ’s ignorance of the most fundamental laws of market dynamics. No one bothers to take out the boats anymore; we just can’t compete with those damn baskets. And what does this guy do after putting me and mine out on the street? He takes his buddies for a joyride, prancing along care-free on top of the water, leaving us to pick up his mess. 

Our Lord and Savior has taken my livelihood. If we don’t act soon, yours could be next.

-Samuel of Bethsaida 


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