Hey fam! It’s us! Your teats. Your mammary glands. Your udders, if you prefer. We just wanted to check in and see how you were doing. We couldn’t help but notice that your hair looks...different. We could have told you that bangs weren’t the way to go. They kinda accentuate your ever-so-slight-but-also-quite-noticeable-hyper-round face of yours. But no worries on that! We all make mistakes! And we think we have a way to get you right back on track!

PIERCE.

US. 

You heard that right. Take a page out of Andrew Cuomo’s book and pierce the shittt outta us. It would look amazing and you know it. You’d be the baddest baddie in your whole house!! You can finally compete with your little sister’s glow-in-the-dark heelys!! Plus, it would take all the attention away from your definitely-not-a-problem-but-also-kinda-something-you-should-maybe-worry-about balloon face! A double whammy!

Now we know what you’re thinking! “I’m not gonna take advice from my talking boobies! They don’t know what they’re talking about!” But actually, we do. Who do you think told Beyonce to go solo? Who do you think counseled Lady Gaga to stop wearing meat suits? Who do you think gave Benedict Cumberbatch the advice he needed so that he could trick the whole world into believing he was attractive? That was all us, my guy. We. Did. That. 

We get it. It’s a big decision. I mean, it’s not life or death or anything. But still, we would never want to rush you. At the same time though, you don’t really want to be the last one on the trend again, do you? How about you sleep on it? We’ll be right here waiting. 

XOXO,

tiddies