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Feminism Means Peeing Faster Than the Men in My Life

woman peeing on carpet
This woman is peeing at a rate of least 4 gallons per hour

by A Radical Feminist

In today’s world, feminism has many manifestations. Some ladies vie for the same positions as men and eventually become their bosses. Some grow out their armpit hair for winter warmth. Some go inside a Bass Pro Shop. But one inequality still looms large, barring us from earning the same standing as our fathers and brothers: peequality.

It’s time for us to ride a new wave. The Golden Wave of Feminism. Now, what I’m about to suggest might welcome a stream of complaints and rebuttals, but this is the final debt to settle – the coup de grâce for sexism everywhere. Goddammit ladies: let’s pee faster than men. 

Anatomists and anyone who’s ever used the facilities at a county fair say it can’t be done. But I promise you here today: with the power of feminism, anything is possible. Inspire your urethra with the vigor of 1920s suffragettes! Let the fiery wrath of your urine quench the flames of centuries of bigotry! Slam the seat down as if upon the head of Andrew Jackson!

Think of all the times men have just unzipped and let it fly into the side of some unthanked tree, a Dunkin Donuts Styrofoam cup, or a grate on the sidewalk that is clearly marked as draining to the ocean. If society says you can’t just squat down and have at it, you deserve to at least rival your male competitors in speed.

As a mishearing reporter once quoted Gandhi: “Pee the change you wish to see in the world.” Piss your boyfriend off at intermission when he emerges from the men’s restroom, only to see that you – all smug and empty-bladdered – beat him at his own game. The benefits are endless, ladies, if we band together and pee as one. And, for the record, let me just say unto meninists everywhere: urine trouble.


Image credit: The Standard via Huffington Post

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