and entering

Have you Losers Considered Having Friends?

One of my artsy friends just took this picture of me, for free. Isn't it great?

Hi guys, Dean Khurana here. Look, we can all agree that Final Clubs are bad. Just one of the worst things about Harvard. Right up there with our 30-year refusal to condemn apartheidour refusal to divest from fossil fuels, oh, or the notable founders and alumni who owned human beings. Don’t get me wrong, I hate it more than anyone. I lie awake in bed at night seething, kicking at my covers, just wondering how we can show those pompous guys what’s what, and I’ve decided that you should all start having friends.

Now, hear me out. I know this might sound crazy to you. You don’t have to go crazy: try having friends in groups of no more than forty. You might want to try things like eating together, in our dining halls! Doesn’t that sound fun, champ? You could do fun activities, like wearing the same clothes, or reading each other Chaucer! That’s what you’re into these days, right? Just get out there and meet some people. I know it seems like the Clubs control all the friendships, but our year-long committee just discovered they don’t! So why don’t you give it a try! We spent a lot of money on these “consultants” and this is all they came back to us with, so we’d really appreciate it if you tried our new initiative, which we call ‘having friends.’

I know some of you might argue that the ‘having friends’ initiative is “condescending” and “ultimately useless against the ingrained wealth that is problematic about clubs” and “out of touch, so, so out of touch, have you ever talked to an undergrad, do you really think all we do is read Chaucer, it’s like your entire ideas about Harvard come from Legally Blonde 2, but you fell asleep halfway through and just had a fever dream for the rest of it,” and to those who say that we say: hey stop saying those things or you can’t be captain of your sports team.

In conclusion: I appreciate everyone’s patience while we’ve come up with this breakthrough plan to deal with the issues of elitism and exclusivity on campus. I’m sure you’ll agree that if you just start “having friends” the problems will go away. 

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