and entering

I’m Getting Sick of You Too

A suburban house
I swear I'll SNAP if you watch one more episode of Community.

By Your House

You know, it would be nice to get some gratitude around here. Like a “Hey, thanks for keeping me safe and comfortable during a global pandemic!” or “There’s no place like home!” or “Walls and a ceiling give me such a good feeling!” or really any display of respect of any sort. That would be quite nice. But instead, as you lie down on your couch doing pure nothing for the tenth day in a row, you have the audacity to complain about how much you hate being stuck inside me. Well listen, bud. I didn’t ask for this either. In fact, I’m starting to get real goddamn tired of you. 

When this whole thing started, I was totally fine with it. Really. It was for the “greater good” and what not. And I’m used to your company, for the most part. But this quarantine has forced me to realize how utterly insufferable you are, and I cannot take it anymore. The thought of you just sitting here taking up space and not leaving for weeks on end is simply too much to bear. I'm already sick of you and your stupid homemade bread and your stupid arguments with your stupid mom about washing the stupid dishes (she's right by the way). Frankly, I need a break from you, and I need it pronto.

Now I know what you’re thinking. Yes, you were constantly inside me even before this whole quarantine thing started, and I wasn’t sick of you then. I wouldn’t say I loved having you here, but it was manageable, I’ll give you that. But here’s the key difference: back then, you would do this thing called LEAVING, and for a few hours I would have some precious time to myself. Really the only time I ever had any fun was when you weren’t around. No offense. And now that that’s gone, I can’t stand you.

On top of all that, I now have to deal with your increasingly strange antics. It used to just be the normal stuff—eating, sleeping, staring mindlessly at your phone, et cetera—but now, not only are you doing all that stuff even more, but you’re also going nuts. You’re making TikTok dances, wearing the same pajamas day after day, trying to cut your own hair, going on “walks." Honestly it’s a little concerning.

At the end of the day, I know we’re in this for the long run, so let’s try our best to get along. But if I hear you say you’re sick of me one more time, make no mistake, I will go full Monster House on you.

© 2020