and entering

I’m Sorry, but Making a Silly Face in your Photo is Beneath a Gentleman Like Me

Me, upon beholding my infant son for the first time.

Dear Photographer,

You’re probably feeling quite smug right now, having duped nearly all the attendees of my second-cousin’s wedding into making utter fools of themselves. Aunt Lisa, Grandpa Hank, and even Brenda from College fell prey to your cunning trap.

None of them even saw it coming, the poor dolts. The setup was innocent enough: “Say Cheese” you said to placate them. “One more!” you shouted, luring them to the slaughter like so many unsuspecting ewes. Then, when they least expected it, the trap was sprung with four simple words:

“Now a silly one!”

Suddenly I had no recourse but to watch in horror as my once-respectable family members lolled out their tongues and disfigured their brows. But not I. While a man of lower station may have succumbed to such foolishness, I refused to sully my public image at the command of a stranger behind the camera of an iPhone 8 plus. 

So I did what any respectable man would do in such dire circumstances. Like a ship staying her course through turbulent seas, I maintained my exact face from the previous photo. Not a hair nor freckle strayed from its previous place. My tight-lipped smile did not loosen, and my piercing gaze did not wander. 

You probably thought your conniving plan had succeeded! But I implore you to open your Camera Roll and direct your attention to the gentleman in Row 4, third from the left. There you will find my pasty features and beady eyes, staring out from your screen in complete and utter seriousness.

Now if you would excuse me, I’m off to put an end to the Snapchat Filter nonsense.

© 2019