and entering

I’ve Known My Summer Plans Since October, Bitch

You ever wonder who attends those OCS seminars? Me, bitch.

by the Worst Person You’ve Ever Met

Guess what, losers? I’ve known my summer plans since October. Not October 2018, not even 2017, but motherfucking Obama-was-still-president 2016. That’s right. While you’ve been stressing about finding summer housing for your internship/research thing/job you got from your mom’s friend’s ex-husband’s cousin, I’ve been raking in that sweet summer OCS funding that I applied for back in the good old days, way back when Larry Bacow didn’t know what “divest” meant and Dean Khurana hadn’t had his scary dream about final clubs that made him decide to come up with the sanctions.

I bet you’ve been telling people your summer plans are still “a bit up in the air,” haven’t you? Obviously, you don’t have your life together because you’re been waiting to print out your resume in Lamont for 3 days. What an amateur move. I recently got my summer plans - which, by the way, will be more lucrative and intellectually fulfilling than yours - tattooed onto my stomach. I would have preferred to tattoo them on my back, but there isn’t enough room since I already have my transcript and recommendation letters tattooed there to make them more accessible to potential employers. I would never make a potential employer wait more than five minutes to see my transcript and rec letters. I’m guessing you make them wait longer than that? Yeah, thought so. 

My summer plans have been set in stone since the Stone Age - no, actually before that. The pre-Stone Age, which I assume is a thing. I wrote my resume in the womb, after I was conceived during a board meeting at a really cool NGO that reached out to me personally nineteen years later asking if I wanted the internship of a lifetime. Obviously I turned them down, because I already knew what I was doing this summer. 

So, when did you finalize your summer plans? Last week? Yesterday? Not yet? That’s cute. I started applying to summer stuff before I even knew how to spell the word summer. I guess I just have a lot of confidence. In fact, I have more confidence in what I’m doing this summer than the Millers do in their ability to sue someone.

But at the end of the day, I don’t care about doing stuff in the summers just to boost my resume. No, no, that would be shallow and self-interested. I do stuff in the summers to prove to myself that I am incapable of relaxing or having fun.

© 2019