and entering

I Don’t Care if You’re 35 with Children, You’re Not Getting a Drink

The Kong
As long as I'm working here, you're not getting a drink. And I will work here forever.

By the White Guy at The Kong

Back in the day, the establishment where I now willingly spend my twilight years was a lawless land where underage drinking reigned supreme. It was mayhem. I was brought on to usher in a new age of order and control at the Kong. That is why I don’t care if you’re 35 with children: you’re not getting a drink. 

Three forms of ID? They're all fake. Sure, your ID scans. They all do now. Even the shitty IDGod IDs scan if you’re lucky. So don’t try and show me a valid Massachusetts license that states right on the front that you were born in 1982, and then expect me to just HAND you a drink like a blithering idiot. Unlike you, I wasn't born yesterday. Scorpion bowls are meant for responsible adults, not two 20-year-old students posing as a newly-married couple. Do you expect me to believe that a couple living in Porter Square would really travel all the way to the Kong for a drink? Unlikely.

Go ahead, show me the pictures of the kids in your wallet – that means nothing to me. I don’t know you. I don’t know your family. Maybe those are your nieces. Maybe those are two underprivileged girls from Roxbury that you sponsor. More likely, those are just stock photos of two smiling children you found on Google Images to trick people into giving you drinks at bars because you’re really 19 and trying to play me for a fool. But I am no fool!

Your “husband’s” hair is graying? I started going gray at 17, the age that you really are. Premature graying is the whole reason I shaved my head: to keep the bullies at bay. Bullies like you, 14-year-old punks who think just because I’m old enough to be your grandfather means I’ve lost my wit. Well you thought wrong. I am vigilant, and I'll stay vigilant until the day I die.

A 9-year-old’s place on a Friday night at 3 am is at home. So finish your scallion pancakes and get out before I call the cops. Underage drinking ruins lives, and it’s not gonna happen. Not on my watch.

Oh and, by the way, please stop insulting my water-pouring abilities. I’m not trying to spill it on you. I just have bad vision. 

© 2017