and entering

I Fasted for A Month And A Half This Yom Kippur Because I'm a Better Jew Than You, Shira

Smiling Girl in Brown Hat
Can't Touch This Piety

Yeah, okay, maybe I don’t go to Hillel and I haven’t had Shabbat dinner since I was 12, but I also haven’t eaten since sundown on August 4th so that I can fucking repent. Take that Shira.

So what if I didn’t go to Jewish summer camp? So what if I eat cheeseburgers on a weekly basis? I have spent the last week in a hospital taking in nutrients from an IV because God commands us to fast so that we can focus on our sins. Nobody focuses like I do, Shira. One day of fasting does not a devout Jew make. Try 45, you harpy. 

The Israelites wandered through the desert for 40 years and we can’t even bring ourselves to fast for 40 days? For God and shit? It’s honestly disgraceful. And I know you’ll be like “that’s Passover, which doesn’t have anything to do with Yom Kippur,” but maybe shut the fuck up and let me have my analogy, okay? Can’t hear you over the sound of Adonai Our God Ruler of the Universe scribbling my name in that dank B.O.L-- that’s the Book of Life to you.

So, Shira, let me know when you feel like apologizing to me for every time you gave me side eye for not coming to Havdalah or Kol Nidre or that one with all the trees. You can’t even cope with more than 24 hours of not shoving your face with challah, and here I am mere seconds away from meeting the Jewish version of Saint Peter. Next time you’re “literally dying” because of your little sister’s painfully long Bat Mitzvah service, remember this time that I literally died. Heaven’s great. Jewish Saint Peter makes a mean brisket.

© 2018