By Ted Cruz
My fellow Americans,
Recently, I referred to the basketballs hoop as the “basketball ring,” a careless gaffe. Now, don’t go thinking I don’t know a thing or two about the fine American sport of basketballs. I have been playing the basketballs since I was a little boy, and have supported my municipal and/or state sports team for as long as I can remember.
Just like the statistical majority of voting age Americans, I enjoy the basketballs. I enjoy watching the basketballs on my color television. I also like holding the basketballs with my own two hands. I enjoy wearing jumpsuits before and after handling the basketballs. I can perform both the bounce pass and the chest pass. I can pivot with both my left and right foot, and only double dribble upon occasion.
When I throw the basketballs at the touchdown zone, I perspire. I keep a towel on my shoulders to neutralize my perspiration. My favorite move is of course the Donald Dunk, just like most of today’s youth. I enjoy sitting on the basketballs bench with the boys. The boys I sit on the bench with include Samuel Alito, Clarence Thomas, Charles Barkley, and my many friends in the senate. After a hard days' work at the gymnasium with the boys, I drink either Gatorade or Powerade, depending on what you, the American people, personally prefer.
I was very sad when Kobe Brian retired. Kobe Brian was very good at the basketballs. Kobe Brian was almost as good as Michael B. Jordan. Some say Kobe Brian is as good as James LeBron, but personally, my opinion on this matter is whatever voting age individuals from swing states believe, and that is how I have always felt about Kobe Brian and James Lebron.
My democratic rivals do not like the basketballs as much as I do, nor are they as good. Barack Hussein Obama wears mom jeans when he holds his basketballs. Hillary Clinton supports grown men playing basketballs in women’s bathrooms. I am confident that I could beat Hillary, Barack, the United Nations and all of ISIS in basketballs at the same time. That is how good I am with basketballs.
A vote for Ted Cruz is a vote for beating buzzers. It’s a vote for two- and three-point shots. It’s a vote for basketballs.
