and entering

If Spiders Crawl into Our Mouths While We Sleep, How Many Elephants Have Crawled into My Mouth?

Oh god, there are a lot of elephants and spiders in me, aren't there?
By a zookeeper

I was reading up on animals the other day, as I do. And I learned that, statistically speaking, you are always within three feet of a spider, and at least eight spiders will crawl into your mouth while you sleep over the course of your lifetime.

That's pretty weird, but none of it bothered me too much. How much harm can a spider do, you know? Then I got to thinking: If eight spiders crawl into your mouth, how many other animals have poked around in there as well?
I mean, I know a lot of people who sleep alongside their pets. But there just aren’t the same statistics out on how many of these pets get swallowed in the middle of the night. And hey, there's nothing wrong with gargling the occasional cat.
But for zookeepers like me, this is a real danger. I spend almost every day with the elephants, often within three feet of them. So yeah, if you just look at the math, the average zookeeper, such as myself, must have at least one elephant crawl into his mouth during his career.
Even more disturbing—just look at how big these creatures are. No chance one of those could climb back out of there. Seriously, just think about the implications of that. There’s a decent chance that my coworkers and I each have fully grown African elephants stuck inside of our mouths.
Inside of me right now is probably some big old herbivorous member of the Proboscidea, just chilling out and taking in the view. I thought that the recent pain in my cheeks was just because I had a cavity, but come to think of it, it's probably due to the sharp ivory tusks tearing into my gums. Is this why I've been craving palm fronds recently? 

And you know how big an elephant’s mouth is? Elephants must swallow hundreds of spiders. So within each elephant within each zookeeper’s mouth is an entire spider colony. I am literally bursting at the seams with elephants, and they are bursting at the seams with spiders. I am a one-man zoo.

I knew I should have gone into podiatry. 
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