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My CS Partner Is a Literal Leech

leech attached to man on computer
My CS partner, currently literally sucking the life from me.

By a CS student

I've never minded group projects. Everybody always complains about them, but I've usually found them to be pretty tolerable. Sometimes sharing the workload with a partner makes the project easier, you know?

But every now and then, I get a partner who does absolutely nothing and benefits from all of the work that I do. When I'm unlucky, my partner will take and take from me and give me nothing in return.

I guess that's the situation I am in now. My CS partner is something of a leech. Except that my situation is way worse. Because my CS partner is a literal leech.

No, I get it, your USW partner “sucks,” or your Ec partner is “draining." But my CS partner does both of those things because my CS partner is an actual leech. Yeah, I know, your EMR partner "feeds off all of your work." The thing is that you are exaggerating. And I am not. My CS partner is a large, hermaphroditic, hemaphagous Hirudinean.

This is not a metaphor. This is not a meme. This is very serious. My parasitic CS partner is, day by day, sucking the literal life out of me. I curse the day I sat next to Fred in in CS161. Ever since, this semi-aquatic annelid with reduced but complete coelom has been twisting my arm with his elongate, vermiform body. Whenever I try to protest, he just clings on more tightly with his oral and caudal suckers, feeding me lies and a steady supply of blood thinning peptides.  

You can tell me to muscle through it, to push on, but how can I when every muscular contraction just feeds him more and more of my blood? I can’t put up with it! With how atrophied my body is becoming, I can hardly put up anything.

He desires code. Not computer code. My genetic code. Soon I will be dead, and he will have an A in the class. And he'll have access to all of my internal organs. Ugh. College can be so unfair.

© 2018