By Jake Craven ‘22

According to Wikipedia, voter fraud is the “illegal interference with the process of an election.” Now, I don’t know much about illegal processes, but I do know a thing or two about elections; specifically, how easy they are to interfere with fraudulently. That’s why, this November, I’ll be marching down to my local polling center and submitting roughly 44,600 ballots for Hilary Clinton.

Now, I know what you’re thinking: “Jake, don’t you mean Joe Biden, the 2020 Democratic nominee?” Well, dear reader, you’re thinking too small. If we’re committing voter fraud, let’s make it worth something, dammit! And what better way to rig the system than to have Hillary Clinton sweep the 2020 electoral college as a write-in candidate?

For this to work, I’m going to really need the support of those of you reading from: Arizona, Florida, Michigan, Minnesota, North Carolina, and Pennsylvania. I’ve enclosed a digital copy of an official U.S. ballot right here: www.jakecraven.squarespace.com/real-ballot (encrypted). Print those suckers out and get to writing! Hillary’s not going to elect herself.

Okay, yeah, we could elect anybody we want, but…well, that’s actually a good point, reader. I hadn’t thought about that. Alright, scrap the whole thing. Instead, just write this down in that slot on your ballot:

PRESIDENTIAL NOMINEE WRITE-IN: “Jake Craven, Harvard College ‘22”

Democracy thanks you.