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Phineas Gage Can Get It

Phineas Gage: poised, sturdy, and in his Sunday best.

You know Phineas Gage? No, not the post-harpoon accident whaler. No, definitely NOT that walking, talking, cartoon Dorito with a pet platypus, although I’d definitely go for his deep British-accented broccoli of a brother. I’m talking about THE Phineas Gage, the one that if you’ve taken any class even remotely along the lines of psychology, you’ve without-a-doubt heard of him. Yeah, well he CAN GET IT.

Now I know, you might be thinking, “Didn’t a giant rod go through his head?” Yes, you are not wrong on that one. And you’re also thinking, “Didn’t he have no left eye and a giant scar on his head?” I am not going to argue with you there. But hey, don’t be so shallow; it is not all about the looks. There are currently two known photos of him. One where he’s barely holding onto the rod with only one hand and is not even looking at the camera. Disregard this one. It was not a good day for him. Then there’s the second one. Here he’s standing strong, strapping, and robust, gripping the rod proudly in both hands. This is the one that’ll make you swoon. It’ll leave you wishing he would cradle you in his pulsating, veiny arms just like that rod, the rod that blew through brain and bones. Okay, if it’s that big of a deal, try covering his shut eye. See? What did I tell you? Now uncover the eye and it’s like he’s winking straight at you. If I saw that cutie walking in the Yard, I would definitely let his rod go through me.

I know, I know; don’t remind me. You’re still thinking, “But wait, didn’t he get really hostile and impulsive after the accident?” Debatable. Nonetheless, every admired character needs a multifaceted storyline. Nothing’s hotter than a man who’s misunderstood by his friends, his lovers, your AP Psych teacher, and all of the world’s clinical psychologists. Plus, the mystery behind Gage just adds to the intrigue.

Despite all his enigmatic characteristics, what we know for sure is that Mr. Right does not need a frontal lobe to take things down south. Adding to the attractiveness, it is a little-known fact that Phineas was a stagecoach driver in Chile towards the end of his life. Full recovery? You bet. Can quickly learn the local language of the land? Se me hace agua la boca. Knows how to work those hands and ride that rugged terrain? No doubt.

Stay tuned for next week when I examine how William Howard Taft getting stuck in a bathtub made him the sexiest president there ever was.

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