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Prepare Ye for the Floods, As I Press Down on this Water-Saving Dual-Function Toilet Handle

Under any other circumstance I would advise water conservation, but this is not that circumstance.

It is I, your immortal and unendingly beneficent heavenly father come to thy stoop to bid thee heed a message of warning. The eve before last, I descended upon this minute sphere of thine to fulfill a godly fantasy of mine: to dine in an establishment renowned through the firmament for perfecting the mortal ambrosia. I speak, plainly, of Taco Bell. 

I, your Lord God, entered this bastion of burritos whose great repute has echoed handsomely through the Pearly Gates. With otherworldly verve, I floated through the drive-thru, purchased 5,000 Doritos Locos Tacos, and settled my bill before ascending.

But I was quickly met by a gastric pestilence so ghastly, I had no choice but to toss my remaining vittles into the foyer of Canaday G entry and float, with deific speed, toward the nearby Scientific Centre restroom. It is from there now that I disseminate this divine word of warning:

GET THE HELL OUT OF HERE. I’M GONNA PRESS DOWN ON THIS ENVIRONMENTALLY-MINDFUL WATER-SAVING DUAL-FUNCTION TOILET HANDLE, COURTESY OF SLOAN APPLIANCES, AND UNLEASH A TORRENT OF UNHOLY WATER INCOMPREHENSIBLE IN MIGHT AND MAGNITUDE. EVEN MOSES WOULD BE UNPREPARED FOR THIS FECAL DELUGE.

Belovèd earthlings, you have surely observed this twofold function before and reveled in its power. I, thy Omniscient Overlord, have beheld thee ponder “up or down?” approximately three hours after thy weekly helping of Quincy Grille mozzarella scepters. I am loath to report that this situation demands the latter option, and I will soon uncloak my beatific tootsies and slam down upon this emerald handle. To reiterate:

MAKE READY THE ARK. GRAB TWO PROFESSORS OF EVERY DISCIPLINE, EXCLUDING ECONOMICS.  AS A RULE, STUDENTS OF MASS HALL COUNT FIVE TIMES MORE THAN SOME LEVERETT RIFFRAFF. SAVE THE UNICORNS. AND ENSURE THE SAFETY OF EVERY LAST EMPLOYEE OF THE HARVARD WOMEN’S CENTER.

Otherwise, have a most blessèd day. Next time, I assure I will satisfy my epicurean needs at a different culinary outpost. Have you heard of Chipotle?

© 2019
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